Thankful

I believe that life is a prize,

but to live doesn't mean you're alive..

Don't worry about me and who i fire,

i get what i desire it's my empire

and yes i call the shots, i am the umpire,

i sprinkler Holy water upon the vampire…

in this very moment i'm king,

in this very moment i slay goliath with a sling

this very moment i bring, put it on everything, that i will retire with the ring..

and i will retire with the crown, yes.

no i'm not lucky i'm blessed, yes.…

#np: moment for life: Niki Minaj et Drizzy.. love the song (cos of Drake of course.. still #teamkim all day everyday..lol)

Now onto the real post…

… Thankful

In everything, give thanks.. I shouldn't be here right now… No, I really shouldn't. Last month, i think i died for like one second…lol. I can't say what it was like, because it wasn't long enough for me to see the 'light' that everyone talks about.. It was kinda scary in retrospect, though at the time i did not think about it too much, maybe because i was too confused.. and when i try to remember now, my mind blocks it out..

then last week, i had an accident, kinda.. ran into a light pole, just before an intersection during a snow storm.. got stuck in my car for a while, had to spend the night at a stranger's house, so i didn't freeze to death, as i ran out of gas.. and the power lines had come down which caused a transformer to 'blow' or explode, and it was sparking.. trees had come down, it was dark.. the power was out at the stranger's house, so it was freezing in there too.. But you know what, i'm still thankful. The strangers, could have been serial killers, but they were actually the sweetest couple (made me think 'love' really does exist.. only for a millisecond though, before i snapped back to reality) the power lines or a tree could have come down on my car, but they didn't. I could have frozen in my car, but i didn't. I could have been abducted by mad people while i was stuck in the car, but i wasn't. was it hard? yes, it was.. was it painful, yes, it was. was i traumatized? yes, i was. I don't remember the last time i cried so much… cried all night into the morning… my eyes and my nose were sore.. and i had never been so cold in all my life nor felt so alone.. i was physically shaking, although i don't know if it was more from shock, or fear or the actual cold itself. but you know what, i'm here right now, relating this tale to y'all. and what i learned from it is strength, and that there are actually some good people left in the world.

i don't know why, but i felt like i had to share that.. i am still not 100… like i still get emotional when i remember. and i don't like driving as much. my baby (my car) was hurt pretty bad too, but just like me, she will be okay. and will soon be well enough to resume her sidekick duties…

So all in all, the moral of the story is God is good, and He is faithful. He's there through the storm and will bring you through just fine, unscathed.

And that, my dear g&s (grown and sexy) people is my testimony.. or one of them I should say. Hope this story inspired someone in one way or the other or at least made them think about things differently, and that my narrating this was not in vain.

Have a blessed day people. Be grateful.

~the blessed and always sexy~

.oao.

Happy New Year... well, kinda..

I guess the saying is true, you can't please everyone.

Good day guys, my grown and sexy blog readers… how y'all been? I know its been a while, i aint wrote anything on here in a minute, and it was intentional too. The other day, a young chap said to me, "oao, i am worried about you. your posts are so dark and contain so much anger, its like you are angry at the world or something…" This made me think for a minute… this aint 'the diary of a mad black woman'.. why am i writing like one? sure, i do get angry, sometimes, but if you do know me for real, you would know that this in reality is a complete 180 from who i am 'in real life'… well not really.. The truth of the matter is that i do get angry. A lot. Only, i never say anything, i hide it all behind smiles and jovial banter and i post it all on here, so i come across as this person who is full of anger and resentment, when this is not the case. Everyone gets angry or mad or pissed.. its only natural… i probably should talk to people about it, its just that…lol. Anyways, I put myself on a social media 'time out' to reboot my system. Kinda like to find myself, and also find an alternative means to let out steam.. I didn't find a sure proof way yet, but i will definitely make an effort to be a little less dark or mad on here.. And like the good reverend tweeted yesterday, 'anger is one letter short of danger..' it is probably the most dangerous emotion, and i shouldn't allow it to get the better of me… how many of us have done things we knew we'd regret when we were angry… i know i have, but let me not 'cast' (implicate) myself on here..haha

That being said, i noticed i aint wrote anything since before Christmas last year.. wow.. Hope everyone had a good Christmas/New year's.. And hope y'all didn't overindulge on the 'turkey and fried rice'… I know i did, and now, i gotta put in extra time at the gym to pay for my 'sins'… *sigh*. like my ass needs to go down about 20 dress sizes right about now.. *sigh* but this post aint about my body (or booty), so i'll stop.. maybe my next post? we'll see…

My break was good, thanks for asking :) the time out period was kinda productive too. I got in touch with my emotions/feelings etc. A lot happened during my hiatus.. like a lot. but I can't really remember most of it, and as i don't like giving incomplete/incorrect stories, i shall let it slide..lol.. But not to worry, i know i will have plenty to talk about in the coming weeks :) hopefully, it will all be entertaining in a good way, of course.

How does oao feel right now, at this particular moment in time… well, she's… not mad… not 'happy' either (i put happy in parenthesis, because i believe the term is relative) but i'm about to go and put myself in check, before it spirals into angry energy… lol..

we'll i've got to go now… i will write again soon.. sooner than y'all think too.. I kinda missed writing on here… and i'm excited about my next post, even though i have no idea what it's going to be about.. haha. will try to write again before the sun sets… 'till then, stay blessed, and sexy too ;)

~the ever so sexy~

.oao.

ps: i finally got on tumblr... http://onlyforthegrownandsexy.tumblr.com/ -still don't know how to use it properly, and most of my posts are 'reblogged'.. but oh well :)

oooh i'm so mad... my lil' rant

okay, so i'm sooo mad right now.. i'll tell you why in a minute.. but basically i'm writing cos i'm mad.. or angry.. or pissed.. however and whatever you wanna call it.. i'm like writing away my anger... i know there's loads of other things i could do... liquor.. green... get some ummm something.. eat a pint of ice cream or cake or something so totally bad for me that i'll... i'll... i don't even know what i'll do.. but this seemed like the easiest of the lot... for now... we'll see how that goes...

So why am i mad? can't speak too much on the topic... basically cos i think i'm mostly mad at myself.. like, if i could whoop my own ass i would. The 'reason'...? Well, all i will say is that when you expect too much from people... expect to be disappointed.. in fact, get ready to be.. because you most probably will. i do not know why it's so hard for me to get that concept through my thick skull.. ugghhh!

Now, if you know me, you know i hate to be pessimistic about these things... but fuck it. i'm tired... so frustrated.. cos its someone i really like love too.. but oh well, i guess its the people you care about the most who are in the best position to cut you the deepest, huh.. and that's one of the reasons my heart is so 'guarded'... haha.. jokes.. When will I learn? The stupid thing is that i had my next two posts lined up too.. First was based off a conversation between myself and a friend about how most girls are trifling and all.. and the second was probably gonna be something holiday/Christmas related.. but right now..... and today was a good day too.. granted i woke up sick.. but like i got to spend time with a homie... and actually had fun.. *sigh* such an anticlimactic end to the day... :(

Lemme try and drop a lil' sumthn though.. hopefully take my mind of the B.S that just unfolded..

So yea, I am tired of guys talking this mess that babes aren't shit... they just want your money and shit... like GTFOH with that rubbish... for a while, i was like.. hmm... maybe these dudes is right.. and i was starting to feel sorry for their sorry asses.. but now.... Let's just say that i'll laugh in the next dude's face who comes up to me with that shit.. fuck it.. y'all ask for it. you treat the good girls like trash.. and put these dumb ass broads on a friggin pedestal.. what incentive is there to be 'good' anymore? its like someone works hard and honestly, and doesn't get paid.. and the other doesn't come to work.. cuts corners.. and is making 'mad cash'.. who wouldn't want to follow the latter's footsteps. I mean, morality does/should play an important role. For instance myself, personally.. i think i have an overactive conscience. so i definitely couldn't do these things, cos apart from the fact that there's no reason to and that i do not know how.. actually in actual actuality (lol) i think it's wrong (not like i'm tryna judge nobody or knock anyone's hustle...) but like what does 'morality' mean to people these days? to most people, it don't mean shit. Nothing, nada. Its just another word that has been wiped out most people's vocabularies.

Now, i'm not even tryna come across as some self-righteous/holier-than-thou/perfectly good person. If you know me, you'll know that i'm far from any of those things atm.. sure, i'm working on getting my life like completely right/whatever.. but i'm just calling it like i see it.. people judge my ass all the fucking time.. and i'm not even saying that that makes it right for me to do likewise.. i'm just saying.. i can call a spade a spade without judging it, ya feel me?lol...

so basically, the moral of the story is...lol.. oao doesn't think its right for babes to 'use' guys like they do.. but she thinks its good for the dumb-ass idiot guys.. they deserve it. Why? because they do worse shit and they put trifling hoes and heifers before real girls/wives.. Yup. And i hope they get milked for all their worth too... damn fools, the lot of them... haha.. okay, so i'm done ranting now... still mad/angry though... damn... now gotta find something else to take my mind of stuff... whatever shall i choose...hmmm....

the mad, but still very,very sexy

.oao.

ps. I'm not bitter/man-hating/whatever... simply calling it how i see it.. :)

gotta keep smiling...

"cos you are so beautiful...

when i'm down and out

i never seem to get tired...

ooh tired of your love...

..cos you are wonderful..

...you're wonderful

and i'm dying to make you see

anything you want, inside your heart

you can find right here inside of me..."

lol.. i do love me some Dru Hill, don't I? I'm proud to say I have like all their albums..haha.. and Jodeci.. and Tyrese.. and Joe.. and R. Kelly!!! and all them kinda 'r&b cats'... like the original/real r&b people.. not these fake niggas *coughs* trey songz *coughs* and co.... I mean, his new joint, 'Can't be friends' is banging tho..lol.. I can't lie.. I stay listening to that ish..

Anyways.. this one's not about music.. (i do acknowledge the fact that i do talk about music a little bit too much..lol.. oh well.. *shrugs*) Okay, so this post is supposed to be more 'upbeat'.. but before I begin.. I have something on my chest i need to say..

"I wish we never did it. I wish we never loved it.. I wish I never fell so deep in love with you and now there ain't no way we can be friends.."

SIKE!!!!

Nah, that aint it.. what it is is that, i do know that I do act 'different' sometimes.. and sometimes my actions are completely opposite from my intentions/feelings... and this is not a reflection if how i feel about you.. it's just.. like.. 'generalization'.. lol.. its a term in psych.. I'll write more about it and how it relates to this specific situation in the future (hopefully).. but right now i'll give a summary/explanation - you know like how when one person, guy/girl, does something wrong and you go and say all guys are shit... yea.. that's it.. in a nutshell...

haha.. so i just re-read that, and it didn't make too much sense.. but like basically, if i act 'different'.. its cos i probably acted in the proper/correct way before and got hurt.. simple and short.. :)

now to the topic du jour.. (finally!) I decided not to let the negative feelings/situations get me down.. like sure.. bad shit happens.. but like the strength of a (wo)man is not in how few times (s)he falls... but how many times (s)he gets back up.. i think that's how the saying goes, no?lol.. and like there's a lot to be grateful for.. too much even.. Like, whatever happened its not like i'm dying or anything.. and even if i was, I have faith in God enough to know that I will be alright... I have a roof over my head.. clothes on my back.. shoes on my feet.. food to eat... people who care about me.. shooo. There's too much.. I've seen people and heard their stories and i'm like dang.. how you keep going.. so yea, i do know i'm a little too sensitive/touchy feely about a lot of things (everything tbh).. i need to remember to stay.. you know more positive about shit... even though sometimes it gets HARD...

yea, so today.. i've decided to smile more.. ain't nothing changed.. just my attitude/outlook.. (let's see how long it lasts though..) I'll tell you a little bit about the day I had.. only cos i feel like 'sharing'.. feel free to stop reading now.. cos everything from this point is 'extra' and random..lol.. so yea, today, woke up kinda early.. didn't eat breakfast.. as i ate real late the night before.. think i fell asleep eating even..lol. don't even remeber.. i was knocked the eff out..smh.. decided to dress up like a boy...haha.. wore baggy pants, (as opposed to the usual skinnys), even though they made my already big butt look even bigger... gotta work on that.. *sigh* (.. sagged them low too.lol..) wore a hoodie and jacket.. and i'm telling you if you took me to any gay bar, all the ladies would hit on my sexy ass.. hehe.. oh, and there's this dress that i have.. tried it on today.. barely managed to get the zipper up.. made me sad for a bit... as that means no food for a few days.. *sigh* then my hair.. took me bout an hour to get it to listen... little did i know it was gonna snow... and 'natural' hair and moisture don't get along too well..smh..thankfully it kinda stayed put and didn't do nothing too crazy.. read the Bible, prayed.. then dipped.. went to study for a bit.. then lunch.. worked out for a little bit.. going to chill with the girls in a minute.. should be a good night hopefully.. just gotta remember to tell myself to forget about the fact that there's somewhere else i kinda want to be right now... *sigh*.. but can't be sad about that.. gotta keep smiling, right.. :)

~the incredibly sexy~

.oao.

we're not making love no more...

"Girl i know that things ain't going right

but don't you think it deserves a fight,

a love like our's don't happen everyday...

...and we're losing it, right now as we speak,

and if we don't wake up it's a memory

time gone past, a love that sailed away..."

#nowplaying: we're not making love no more - Dru Hill... that song's been on repeat for a minute.. cos that's the kinda mood i've been in for a while.. can't shake the funk... it sucks major balls too... cos its supposed to be 'the most wonderful time of the year'... like Christmas is the highlight of my year.. and i'm not even in the Christmas spirit this year... *sigh* would love to say i don't know why... but i do.. as much as i try to push it away and ignore it.. it's still there.. and i don't know if there's anything i can do to fix it by myself... and i hate asking people to help... anyway... i hope i snap out of it soon enough... cos ce n'est pas bon.. no bueno... i should be singing and dancing on the rooftops... but all i wanna do is... i don't even know anymore...lol.. i just want a hug...lol.. and for someone to tell me it will be okay.. that it will all work out..lol.. okay, i need to umm... not feel this way anymore.. got me writing all emotional and stuff.. (when i'm not Carl Thomas.. geddit?lol) so I'll try to figure out something to do to change it... f*#k. Okay, i promise the next post will be a bit more like cheerful..? hopefully..... *sigh* but until then...

~the slightly depressed, but ever-so-sexy~

.oao.

She's single..

"...that's how it is, every time we mingle,

i make her quit her boyfriend, tell him that she's single,

yea, tonight she's single..."

Haha! so i finally decided to brave it up and watch that new Raheem DeVaughn 'Single' video everyone was raving about... one word #deeeeep! lol. I'm even more of a fan now..lol. Fair enough, the video encourages (lol) or should i say, suggests to women, that if yo man aint handling yo bi'ness right, you might want to go find somebody who can and will...hmm. lol... #nocomment on that one...

"she call me Mr. Marathon.. like a distance runner i perform,

the way i stroke and pace it... mmm and taste it.. girl,

mehn its no wonder that she's 'single'.."

lol. I shall refrain from saying more on the matter, so i'm not misunderstood/misinterpreted.. But like i do kinda have quite a bit to say about it though... ('it' being a certain aspect of the video that some people were freaking out about) but you know what, i shall not right now.. for a number of reasons.. need to come up with a way to keep it PG..lol.. and also have to get back to studying in a little bit.. *sigh* I would have put the video on here... but like... tryna keep this PG..lol.. And this woulda been a good post to put on here cos it fits the title of this blog.. it's 'sexy'.. Dang. Oh well.. lol.. I will try to think of a way to convey that of which i speak (in a non-offensive/non-vulgar/'corrupt' way..lol) and the thing is that the video wasn't even that bad.. like i thought it was quite tastefully done.. anyways.. bye for now.. my books beckon.. *sigh*

the ever so sexy

oao

ps: i think i've got some backdated posts.. some of them were quite decent too.. will try to put em up.. if i can find em.. deuces. :)

#random

♪So hard to breathe this air that we call love,

Aint nothing worse than the hurt we receive from love,

When you get hurt by the one you living for,

Pain can make you wanna love no more♪

Lol... feels like i aint wrote on here in a minute and a half..*sigh*... well, i kinda miss it...lol.. i have written a bunch of stuff though... it's just that most of the things i've been writing bout recently been like too 'deep' to put on here just yet... maybe later.. maybe.. but yea, just felt like i should put something up.. and you know.. 'Holla'..lol. aint really got much to say... right now.. at this particular moment in time..lol.. i think a music post is in order.. best way to write about nothing and still write about something if you know what i mean...lol.. but yea, theres a few songs i'm feeling at the moment, so maybe i could do that... or i could do a post about my favorite like all time songs...hmmm... we'll see..lol..well i'm bout to be out..haha (said i wasn't gonna actually put nothing up just now..) but yea.. here's one of them songs... Dirty Money feat. Drake- 'Loving you no more'. Loves it!

"so many tears i've cried,

but all for nothing i'm afraid to say"

"Damn. Tell me what I'm gone do
Since everything I'm trying to forget is all true....

...But ahhhhh, you see the same one I'm missing

Is basically the reason I became something different

It's just that I remember me before...

And if you could do the same baby then we'll be for sure"

lol.. i could write one/two things bout this song.. but um.. yea.. No. enjoy it though.. :) And i think its funny that 99% of the songs i'm 'feeling' have Drake on them.. Maybe I should do a 'Drizzy' post... hmm... Oh, and i can't believe that's Diddy singing too.. #deep.. it's amazing what autotune can do...lol..

♫♪...so selfishly you can only show feelings when your feel yours in jeopardy..

oh time, oh time has changed and i'm no longer willing

can't you see how my heart is bleeding...♪♫

lol.. okay, i'll stop now. adios people.

~*the ever so sexy*~

.oao.

Days #6&7

Yea.. I missed day 6... My bad.. I don't even remember why... But yea.. I'm going to go out on limb and say it went umm.. well..(?)

Today aka day 7... well, could have gone better. That's all i'm going to say. Worked out quite a bit today.. even though i think i could have done more.. ate a lot of that white stuff aka sugar today.. i swear that shit is like crack...*sigh* i might need to go to rehab for that...

But yea, I saw that 'For Colored Girls' movie today.. I loved it.. Tyler Perry came through and did his thing once again.. That's one movie I won't mind watching again. I would have gone in on the movie.. But i'm not tryna spoil it for anyone.. But yea, LOVED! it.. Went to see it with the wifey..... and we was steady cracking up in there..lol.. we were scared that a mob of 'colored'lol folk would beat us up for making so much noise.. haha.. good times.. :)

anyways.. I've got to go now.. my day starts at 6 in the morning.. its 1am right now.. just got in and people are still unsure of what they doing tonight..*sigh* all I know is that my bed calls and my o-chem textbook is finna singing me a lullaby to sleep...lol

~always sexy~

.oao.

Days #4&5

First of, my bad for not posting yesterday... was mad tired, and the very thought of looking for my laptop and typing just made me want to cry...haha but yea, i shall try to write about the skipped day all the same, even though its like a blur now and i don't remember much (yes, i know it was just yesterday)

Day 4- like i said, i don't remember much... just know i titled my workout 'reverse cowgirl in slow motion'.. haha.. No, i wasn't listening to T-Pain while i was working out.. nor is it what y'all probably thinking.. It was just very... well very retarded/backwards.. and slow too.. took me twice as long to complete the workout..spent an hour doing a 30 minute workout.. tell me how that makes sense.. *sigh*

Day 5- aka today.. went umm not so good to be honest. So like i had to write a list of like what i ate for a few days, sort of like a diet journal, and when i showed it to one of my trainers, she was appalled. She described it as 'horrible' lol.. said i was eating all the things i wasn't supposed to eat and that granted i may train hard, but might as well not be doing anything considering the way i eat.. For one she was like 'candy is not food'..haha.. and that i eat too much sugar/empty calories. darn.. she was also like she wonders how i'm not constantly hungry, as i don't really eat much but sugar.. I never looked at it that way before.. so yea.. gotta work on that (again). The workout today was rather mediocre.. could have done more/gone harder.. but i didn't. I think i'm getting lazy/losing my mojo... what to do.. I might need workout therapy to rekindle my love for the game haha.. oh well..

Anyways.. gotta go now.. need to do work, then catch up on sleep... hopefully will post again tomorrow.. Now that I think about it, I know mad stuff happened on wednesday (day 4) i just can't remember right now.. oh well.. Au revoir.

the ever so sexy

.oao.

Day #3

Day 3....

went okay.. could have been better..lol.. I feel like i said that yesterday.. I was unable to go to the gym as I had intended... There's just not enough hours in the day!! Couldn't go cos I have to work on this paper... *sigh*... anywayss... this is probably going to be like the shortest post ever cos i gotta go now.. crazy tired.. and got mad homework to do too!!! i just want to cry now.. but yea, it's not like that would help my situation... (even though it would make me feel better) *sigh*..

the tired, but still ever sexy

.oao.