okay, so i know i haven't written anything in a while (again!!)... been busy with school/life etc.. Have had a rough year so far. Been through a lot- emotionally, mentally, psychologically, spiritually, physically and such.. It's been hard, but 'I'm still standing' (like Monica-lol) so i guess i shouldn't complain, huh.
Anyways, i want to rant! lol. Like just because i act like everything is peachy/all good don't mean it is. I tend to hide/cover up my feelings/emotions... and i don't know why. I think one of the best ways to describe myself is 'a tortured soul'. It's sad, really. Sometimes i cry- on the inside, though-lol... I think my heart bleeds through my eyes... so it's not really tears, per say, it's more like colorless 'heart blood'.. like my 'icebox' is leaking...haha. It's the means through which i express the pain i feel on the inside. Don't ask what is making me hurt, 'cause i couldn't tell you even if i wanted- that's possibly what makes it all so sad/bad.
Anywayss what triggered the writing of this post? Well, some people been focusing on and highlighting my more negative qualities lately, and it's starting to piss me the f**k off. Like, sure, i have some quirks, but i like to think that i am perfect in my imperfections. Do i think i need to change? Yes. Do i want to? Not so much. Change is hard/difficult/tasking. But i do know i will get better, with time... "Give me time, baby. Give me time."...*sigh*
It's like always one thing or the other. Fuck. I have issues, sue me! Did anyone think for one second that there is a reason behind my actions/ways of thinking?? There is method to my seeming madness, like i always say. I have been hurt/burned by people whom i had trusted or liked... but that's another story for another day/post/. I've let that go though, and hold no grudges, cos that would counterproductive and rather unhealthy.
I try to protect/shield my heart from further hurt/pain by not 'feeling', and people read this the wrong way. The best way i know to protect myself is by not caring... and the sad part about it is that i've gotten so caught up in the self protection/preservation jazz that it spills over into my everyday life. Like, apparently i'm so hardhearted that i don't smile anymore (even when i think i am..lol) and i don't laugh much either...(?)
I find it difficult to show/express emotions (-shocker!lol) even to people that i supposedly 'like'/'love' and that doesn't help the situation much, 'cause they come to think that i don't care, when i actually do... a lot too. And yea, it's pretty fucked up. There's sometimes when shit happens and i'm like "I should be upset" or "I should say something right now" but I'm not and i don't. I don't know why... I guess i'm kinda numb on the inside. And sometimes when the 'pain' gets too much and I cry/'bleed', (lol) i get even more numb afterwards.
Anyways y'all I think this has been a pretty depressing/sad/all too revealing post (don't you think?) So i'll stop here. I should like go do something to lift my spirits. hmm... But i hope people understand me a little better after reading this. Anyways (i say that word too much, i know..lol) here's a quick shout out to every and any one who hurt me or made me cry-- Thank you.x
Peace y'all. Promise my next post (which should be up by the end of the day) will be more positive/happy sounding :-)
~the highly frustrated yet, ever sexy~
o.a.o
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